Kate Burns, LMFT

If you don’t feel understood and haven’t for a while, it’s worth finding out why. You may feel that s/hethat s/he just isn’t interested or motivated to understand you. In other words, doesn’t care. While that could be true, it could be that s/he is hurt by something that has happened in your relationship, and instead of letting you know that, s/he acts this way. A commmon communication issue.

Don’t waste any more time wondering. Be proactive. Ask him/her directly; something like, “I’ve been feeling misunderstood, and that you’re not interested in understanding me (or my viewpoint). If I am right is there anything I can do to correct things? Maybe you haven’t felt understood. I genuinely want to learn, and want to do what I can so we both feel cared about and understood.”

That simple conversation may uncover upsetting things, but it is information, and will help you know what needs to be addressed, at least from her/his point. You know the quote, “Seek first to understand…” It works wonders in relationships too.

One person has to take the lead. That’s the way it is. Otherwise feeling misunderstood can take on a life of its own, if not addressed. It is the one issue divorcing couples have in common. First came feeling misunderstood, then came distance, and then finally it’s, “We/re just in two different worlds.”

Maybe in your case, you are saying, “I know s/he is is the one who’s at fault.” I am saying it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you take an action if you want things to change.

Are you going to try moving closer in a way that makes good sense, or are you going to be satisfied with being right. You want to ask yourself this quesiton, seriously

Taking positive steps will make you feel better, no matter what the outcome. You want to know that in your behavior, you are doing and have done all you can.

Try this, and see what happens. If you want to learn more, there are tons of books on improving communication. If you’ve already read them, and they haven’t helped, go see a specialist. You can find one through The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy’s www.therapistlocator.net/ where you can search by location, or you can give me a call at (917) 648-1986.

You can make a positive decision at any time. What you do today can mean much more than anything that’s happened in the past.

Sound bites, or is that ‘bits’ ? 24-hour work days, or “later” to your mate instead of “I’ll look forward to seeing you later, Darling.”

It’s hard going back to the old days. Some say you can’t. Others say, “The old days weren’t so hot anyway.”

There are countless articles published that say that the pace of progress is irreversable and that in a few years what we now think of as fast will seem like a snails pace. Even lay persons such as I, in a field far removed from data management and software design, acknowledge the benefits of technology.

But until there is a program or some artificial intelligence that works better in relationships than taking time with those you love, and being able to what you mean in a way that the other person understands and can hear (Meaning what you say is also good), the divorce rate will continue to climb and more children will come from ‘broken homes.’

Hitting ‘rock bottom’ does not have to mean only that you admit you are a substance abuser. Nor does it have to mean in your relationship that it’s time to call the lawyer.

You can have an awakening before a crisis. Yes, you can become aware of something very important and do something about it. Most people, on a regular basis in their jobs, become aware things that are not working, long before all heck breaks loose. They alert someone or they fix it. That’s how they stay employed.

Yes relationships involve more than one person, but as you know from either being on a sports team or from any endeavor that is not a solo pursuit, it is generally one person who recognizes a problem first.

Once you recognize it then what?

Many wise people say that the best way to teach is to model. If I change the way I am when I am with you; am more patient and take the time to say things to you in a clear and thoughtful way (the thoughtful part makes it likely that you will hear me), chances are that you will notice it and will like it. That’s the first part.

If you recently became aware of these or other skills that are missing in your family or relationship, and realize that change needs to happen to avoid something you don’t want, then please consider doing the experiment/ exercise below. Even if you are right, that someone else or others are the ones that need to make the changes, here are my suggestions to you:

• Get a notebook
• Write down the typical situations in which you find yourself feeling impatient
• Jot down from memory, the kinds of things that when you talk about them, you are less clear, direct or thoughtful; 3 columns
• Make a strong effort to take the time you feel you should when communicating with your loved one (s) and be as clear and thoughtful as you can be.

If you make these efforts for 2 weeks, and keep track of your efforts, not paying much attention to the outcomes, let me know what happens. You are very likely to get a lot of useful information that will help you with the second part.

A great book and easy read that every couple needs is Ellyn Bader’s, Tell Me No Lies, about the
all-important necessity of being loving and honest, the potential consequences of not being it, including infidelity. You can find it at http://www.couplesinstitute.com/

Let me know how this goes, or tell me what you think. Meanwhile,

Take care,

Kate Burns

Your Relationship Can Improve

I can honestly say that learning to truly listen, and to respectfully consider what your partner is saying, are at the foundation of great communication.

You may think that your partner needs this, not you; and you may be correct. However, it’s different if you are trying this on your own, without the help of a professional.

ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO GET SOMETHING YOU WANT FROM HIM/HER IS TO GIVE IT. IT SETS THE ALL IMPORTANT ‘STAGE.’

Today I suggest that you think about what it would be like to purely listen, without forming your response, and without analyzing or presuming why s/he is saying what s/he is saying. In other words, try to NOT interpret what is being said to you.

My second suggestion is that you think about the kind of adjustments you would need to make in order to do this (maybe just do it better) with an open and respectful attitude. Once you get your head around this try it out. See what happens.

I will offer you these blurb type-tips on a regular basis so you have time to think and try things out, one at a time. Tell me what you think, or what you discover when you try this out.

It’s true, there are two basic parts in communication, sending a message and receiving it. If you have trouble with the respect aspect, as many do who fight and end up feeling disrespected, stay tuned. I will cover that.

Or, let me know about your particular situation, and I’ll respond to your question. If you think that alcohol or drugs plays some part in this, let me know that too.

Best regards ’till then,

Kate

Even if your relationship/ marriage is stable, and you are both trusting and trustworthy, the media seems to give us the impression that ‘everyone is doing it.’

The truth is that when both partners are trusting and trustworthy, and have been faithful, it is not an accident, nor is it a fluke. Somewhere along the line, each person has learned and practiced certain skills, (whether they know it or not). Top on the list of skills is the ability to be emotionally honest; with oneself and with one’s partner.

There are many books out there about staying together. Just yesterday in The New York Post, Cindy Adams mentioned a book by Rona Barrett, a former gossip columnist, called, “The Marriage Cabinet: Surviving Infidelity and Building a Lasting Relationship.” Ms. Barrett, the columnist reported, says that marriage requires an “inventory of yourself and a willingness to prioritize and compromise.”

Another good book is, “Tell Me No Lies,” by Ellen Bader, Ph.D.

I would like to add that you and your mate could read these books together, or if that’s not going to happen, read them yourself and let me know what you think.

Regards,  Kate

Hello,

You may have read yesterday's posting about this holiday season. I talked about drinking, and

gave tips to folks who want to avoid being on the other end of someone's not-so-social drinking

behavior....again.

Maybe it's you who's been the "bad guy/gal," when your drinking got the best of you.

You might be asking yourself how you can get through this season without repeating the past.

Here are some ideas for your action plan:

• Tell someone you know who will be there, that on this occasion you plan to drink non-alcoholic beverages. You will need support.

• Buy several bottles of your favorite non-alcoholic beverage and keep your glass full, and in your hand for the entire event.

• Nibble on sweets when you are there. 

• Give yourself permission to take a walk or, if you are in the country, suggest that you and others get some kind of game going outside.

• Decide that this is the best time to stop drinking altogether, and call someone you know who is sober.

• Call a sober person or get to a support group.                                                                       Their phone numbers are in the local phone book or online:

• Alcoholics Anonymous NYC 212-647-1680 and www.nyintergroup.org;

• Narcotics Anonymous NYC 212-929-6262 and www.newyorkna.org and,

• NYC SMART Recovery, phone numbers listed next to meetings listed at www.smartrecovery.org 

List 2 reasons (in your, or your family’s best interest)for putting off the above.                         If you’ve already stopped drinking or using and are “in recovery,” now' the time to make a ‘relapse-proof plan,’ especially if you’re in early recovery.                                                        Being alone on the Holidays can be a problem, so don’t be.                                                                                                                                                       If you are sober now, what about trying these out

• Stay busy but take time to relax

• Volunteer

• Be around more sober people, either one to one or in groups

• Help other sober people

• Write your gratitude list again

• If your doctor has prescribed it, and you can take it safely, take Antabuse

• Spend more time on the phone with sober people                                                                               

• Treat yourself and others well. You’ll increase the chances of feeling good.                      

Best wishes, Kate Burns, LMFT
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WHAT’LL IT BE FOR YOU?

Are you looking forward to the Holidays, or dreading them? If you answer, “Dreading them,” you are one of the many who do.

Your feelings may be influenced by your current family situation, by not having a family or, by how you spent the holidays as a child.

Many people say that having high expectations, feeling pressure to have a good time, or being lonely can make this time of year, at the least, a drag.If you do enjoy this time of year, maybe you feel that drinking helps you relax and enjoy the get-togethers even more. Maybe it has, and maybe it will. No problem.

 If you’d rather pass on the Holidays for whatever your reason, you may feel that drinking can smooth things out and help you avoid the negative feelings that the Holidays stir up, and maybe it will.

If your celebrations will include being with someone whose previous drinking behavior has hurt or upset you, you can make a plan that will make it easier on you this year.

That plan can include:

·        Getting support from another family member or friend who will attend the gathering, or one who understands your feelings and previous upset  

·        Asking for their input 

·       Chatting with a supportive friend on and off throughout the event 

 ·        Arranging to call a supportive friend for a brief chat during the event, if nobody there can fill that role for you       

·        Limiting the amount of time you spend with certain folks, or even avoiding spending time with them this season                                      

·        Passing on the event this year and asking instead if you can drop by at another time to bring good  wishes 

If your own drinking has caused problems, maybe you’re asking yourself, “How can I get through the Holidays without repeating the past.

Stay tuned tomorrow; I have some ideas for you to help you through.Until then, enjoy and take care of yourself.

Kate Burns, LMFT

Personal limitation & Corresponding behavior

CAUTION

If violence exists in your home or relationship, these Suggestions are not for you. Call for professional help now: NYC 1-800-621-HOPE (4673); NYS Coalition Against Domestic Violence; National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-942-6906; 1-800-799-7233.

Section 3

The First Six Suggestions: An in-depth process