Family Therapy

If you are reading this you already know something about the almost unbearable amount of stress placed on today’s families, family relationships, and the demanding roles people take on in their families. The stress really is at an all-time high, and people are suffering.

Stress leads family members to be distracted, to be poor listeners, and consequently, to fail in considering the needs of those around them. In short, people default to a self-centered coping style. Most people don’t like to be this way, but too much stress is often the culprit.

Though many speculate as to the causes of stress, everyone agrees that stress is a major contributor to the high degree of conflict in today’s families.

In the same vein, it is not an overstatement to say that not knowing how, and not being able to communicate without causing conflict, is tearing families and individuals apart.

When is Family therapy a better approach, and why?

If you choose Family Therapy to address any issue, this approach uniquely and automatically affords you/ your family an opportunity to reap two additional and important benefits: better skills to improve communication, and a greater capacity to understand each other. Everyone needs to feel heard, and everyone in Family Therapy gets that opportunity.

Family Therapy is uniquely structured to help resolve issues that disturb the family as a whole, or that primarily concern one member, but directly affect other members. It is a holistic approach that focuses on strengthening existing skills and learning new ones.

Read more about other kinds of issues/ problems that respond well to Family Therapy in the section headed, Issues for Family Therapy Include, which follows, What Goes On in Family Therapy.

What is Family Therapy?

The short answer is that Family Therapy identifies, uncovers, and develops the strengths inherent within each family, to: solve their problems in the present, build family confidence and pride, and become a resource for future problem solving and hope.

While the family is the focus of Family Therapy, most members who have participated say it was therapeutic for them.

What Goes On in Family Therapy

The Therapist, in establishing an emotionally safe and neutral zone/ environment, encourages family members to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. At the same time, she offers guidance to members on how to express themselves to the listeners so that they will be receptive and more likely to understand what the speaker is trying to say.

The Therapist also serves as a mediator and coach, helping members learn how to listen in an open and non-reactive way, offering suggestions that will help them in managing intense emotions that may come up (emotions that might ordinarily derail the communication or lead to conflict).

The skill of listening, which requires managing and setting aside one’s own emotions, at least temporarily, opens the door to compassion and acceptance for both the speaker and the listener.

The Therapist, in sitting with the family, models both constructive message-sending skills (appropriate expression of feelings, thoughts and concerns), as well as receptive/ neutral, active-listening skills, and underscores that these communication essentials are the foundation for both feeling respected, and for demonstrating respect. Message sending and listening skills are also the basis for problem solving, and healing.

Equally important, the Therapist teaches and demonstrates one of the primary relationship principles,that needing to be right has no legitimate place, that understanding trumps being right all the time.

Read more about the above under, What the Therapist Does, which immediately follows, Issues for Family Therapy include

I will help you make the all important turn toward finding solutions. You will be able to take you’ve learned in the sessions outside, into your lives so that family members can experience harmony, solve problems And become sources of strength, support and guidance for each other.

Issues for Family Therapy include:

Family Therapy provides unique benefits to families who have a member with mental health problems. The affected member’s issues of: mood, anxiety, unrealistic fears, and, or unusual behaviors can interfere with their own functioning (at home, at work or at school), and can contribute to chronic stress in the family and to family disruption.

Benefits to Families who have an adult member with mental health issues include:

Benefits to Families who have a child or an adolescent with mental health issues include:

What the Therapist Does

As a support, mediator and collaborator, the Therapist is a stabilizing agent as the family moves from change or crisis to adjustment, and on to renewal and greater health.

She looks for and ‘shines a light’ on each member’s unique gifts, and reflects on the benefits we all experience in an atmosphere of acceptance. She introduces the notion of choice as it relates to how we think about events and people (our attitudes), and points out our capacity for resilience (ability to recover).

The Therapist shows how to foster resilience in each other. History shows us that individuals have faced terrible odds and devastating situations, yet have triumphed over their limitations and circumstances. Today there are countless examples of people who have found their inner strength, gathered strength from others, and have experienced success; overcoming personal trials, life circumstances and both.

The Therapist endorses the family as a source of knowledge/ wisdom, for its decision-making potential, and as a creative entity, capable of generating novel ideas and unique solutions. She encourages laughter wherever it may be hiding, and encourages family members to do the same.

Who is Considered “Family” for Family Therapy?

The short answer is: any group who considers themselves a family. It can be a nuclear family, an extended family, close friends, significant others, and any group, whether related by blood or not.

Merriam Webster 2011 gives as one definition, “A group of people united by…or having a common affiliation: fellowship.”

The Family Everyone Wishes They Had: Using a Wish to Make a Family Reality

Many clients have told me over the years, in one version or another, that if things had been a little different at home they might not have needed therapy as an adult. They have said that they wish everyone in their family would have felt safe enough to communicate openly and directly, but at the same time, they would have felt free to have some personal space/ privacy.

Their wish list would include, that no matter how different a family member seemed, nobody would talk about anyone behind their back (nobody would have been labeled); everyone would feel included and respected.

They wish it were a given, that each person felt free to express his/ her own viewpoint without fear of being judged. This family would have been a source of strength for them, and yet the family would welcome ideas and influences from outside the family.

Most importantly, this family would work out their differences without blaming, refusing to talk, and without some members ganging up against others.

In a crisis, this family would come together to support and counsel the person having trouble, but would not put pressure, would not try to control or manipulate them to do what they thought was “right,” “best,” etc.

Family members might encourage the member having difficulty to seek outside help, and they themselves might seek outside help to find out how to best help the troubled family member.

In my experience, one person in a family is usually the catalyst for change, whether the change is to recover and stabilize after a difficult event, or to improve the wellbeing of one member or the family as a whole. The person who is the catalyst may be suffering acutely but usually demonstrates courage; gathering the family together, opening up communication, encouraging inclusiveness, and making efforts to reduce conflict.

Each family member in this family would: draw strength from the family, would feel accepted, and would feel valued. In this family a crisis would bring out the best in each member. Whatever came up, this family could handle it.

Could you be the catalyst for change in your family? When you think about your own family and the “Ideal Family” described here, could you be the person who helps your family become a more supportive resource?

If you have any questions, or would like to make an appointment, I am easily reached by telephone at (917) 338-6294